Personal
few more hours... less den 3hours. it's 28th april again. for the past 4 years i didn't quite remember the day until the day itself..and it's owayz him who remember it. rite now... i dunno if he still remember. but even if he remembers... i noe he's nt doing anything anymore..and i cant expect anything anymore... 但就是不知不觉有了一种悲伤感... i cant help but felt sad that this had happened. bcuz tmr is actually de day we had (used to) looked forward to. it's time to give up on him...a girlfriend without a girlfriend title...makes it sound like i'm an embarrassement to him tt's y he cannot gif me any title. like i'm into some third party r/s which is not a fact. what should i do? everything is in a mess again... haiz.
WORK.
what had happenend over last weekend have become a phobia for me to work for others. i'm afraid to work for others again. thou i understand tt not all the people are like tt. but as long as your in the office, and your a girl with more den average look? office politics will stick to u even if u dun open ur mouth. i often thot tt as long as i dun open my mouth at the unappropriate time, as long as i dun reliate back den i wun be involve as it takes 2 hand to clap. but last weekend i learnt tt is nt the case. even if ur as meek as a mouse, u speak at the appropriate time doing your own stuff help others wen dey need help, dere will still be people picking on you no matter how well i do my stuff or watsnot. its scary. its reali scary and had caused the phobia in me to work for others anymore.
How i wish tings could turn back to half a yr ago... when i was still studying.. going to sch to "chat" for 3hrs and after tt head down to town to hang out till the evening before going over to slack at his house... pillow fight with him and everything... only wen i haf left den you see me.. b4 i left you... i am owayz behind you and u dun turn back at all.. wo de xin lao le... bu zhi dao wei shen me hui xin tong... i told myself its been so long.. no matter hw painful it is... i cannot cry.. i depended on him too much.. he doesnt realize it... even up till now... wenever i panic and met some problem outside and its urgent... the only handphone no. tt i remember to call for help is his no.
At NYKSM i met some great frens.. however tings are different... we kept tings to ourselves unlike wen we first met... now.. tings are different.. leaving in 1 month time.. felt guilty to leave elynn to settle everything again...
veri veri bored. was reading thru every single post that i have ever posted. and i've got onli one thinking and that is: stupid. 've led such a wasteful life even until now, i'm still wasting my life away. wat for stay at a job wen i dun like it. wat for help others juz so i felt kinda guilty. i realize if i haf to make a choice between studies and work. i will HAPPILY choose STUDIES.
tinking back, i've actually gone thru quite alot in dis last r/s. thou i onli blog like 2% bout it. haha the rest are all in my heart. wenever ppl tell me dey haf gone thru alot and i'm still young so i still gt lots to go thru... i owayz haf one feeling wif me. and tt is thou i'm young but my heart is old. gone thru too much tt i dun wish to even mention it and tell others tt i have gone thru alot too...
dere are so many decision to make. so much choices. hw i wish tings are as simple as it use to be.
was loved by someone and to love someone back. worried only about exams and results.
and not money and time.
after workin for nearing half a year, i realize hw tough it is for my dad to be de sole bread winner. that's de tot tt kept me frm quitting up to dis point as well.
以前的我累了就睡。。。现在的我累了想睡却不能好好的睡。。i dunno why..but everytime even if i fell asleep i will still be dreaming of tings i worry in de daytime. which makes my heart feel heavier each day.
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