i'm afraid of going into a new r/s...
maybe is becuz it felt so weird when i have alr gotten used to you...
i can't imagine going through the same process but with another person...
it juz felt so weird...like he's just another you...
to others who juz noe me...they have the impressation that i am someone who's very emotional and weak... but only you know and understand that i'm stronger than i appear to be. you have taught me to be strong... you have never spoon feed me with answers, alwayz wanting me to figure it out myself while you gave me your silent help without me knowing... i'm juz so tire that i can't speak up directly anymore.
i cried the other day when my colleagues throw paper at me. not bcuz i'm emotional and i can't take it. i cried... real hard during lesson time and on the way to class. i cried bcuz i can't speak up even though i'm not at fault. i can only keep quiet even though i know i have been wrongly accused. i'm upset that i can't speak back like what i used to do when people wrongly accused me.
i'm angry and fed up with myself that why i cried so hard. people who dunno me well.. they tot i'm juz being emotional. but you and i noe i'm not. only you noe that i dun need all those comfort and advice. what i need was reali to speak out my frustration.
frenz who noe me long enuf, they questioned me: heyY i tot ur owayz so fierce and wouldnt allow anyone to climb over your head how come dis time you din retaliate back and give tt jerk his just dessert?
all i could answer dem was i can't. even if i never resign, if i speak up the other day, i would haf been sack immediately. things are not as simple as like u get into trouble in school, after punishment tings will be okay. no! if u get into trouble u gotta do soo much explaining and still gotta bear de acussation and gotta listen to hw others back-stabbed and gossip about you. is reali a cruel world.